Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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