Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
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