Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My dick has a subreddit
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
