Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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