Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
