the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
