what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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