Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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