He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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