21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
