I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
