Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
