She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
