so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
