I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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