yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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