We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
