i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
