I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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