This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
