did you get engaged???
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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