you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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