i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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