If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
