How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
