This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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