I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
