shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
