I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
this just has baby written all over it
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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