I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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