It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
