got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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