My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
