its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
