Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
