you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
