mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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