Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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