Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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