I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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