I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
