In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
