What did we do last night that was yellow?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
