you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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