We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
