and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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