coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
this is an emotional support booty call
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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