I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
