your thong is hanging out like whoa
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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