Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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